I don’t know

It’s been a while since I’ve last written. I never felt that my words were worth reading but I thought I’d write now in attempts to try to get it all out. I hope it helps.

For the past few days, maybe even weeks, I’ve started to feel like crap again. Too many things have been happening and I don’t know if I could handle it anymore. My parents have recently become masters at convincing me I’m stupid and mentally retarded. I remember I once washed my hands with shampoo because we hadn’t bought soap and my mom comes yelling at me that it’s wrong and that I’m retarded for doing that. I mean, what was I supposed do to? Should I be retarded or just stay unclean? I don’t know.

When I went to my dad’s the other day, he came to the house with some fish for lunch. I suggested we should serve ourselves in the kitchen then take our plates to the eating table to eat instead of just dirtying it there. He shouted no. I tried again but he insisted no and eventually told me I was stupid for thinking of such a ridiculous idea.

A few weeks before all that, I lost who I thought was my best friend again. It’s that same girl who I talked about before. I don’t get it anymore. I don’t get how she thinks and why. I don’t know.

I’m beginning to feel so insecure and alone. I returned to where I was before. Well, almost. It hurts. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. I take about it with my boyfriend, I write, I blog. I mean, it helps a little but I don’t really feel it’s enough. I’m planning on seeing my boyfriend in the next couple of days to talk to him about it. I miss him. I miss him being next to me. It’s been a month and a half since I last saw him. I had to redo my ministry exam because unfortunately, I failed it the first time. Anyway, I’ve been spending all that time studying to try to pass this time. I hope I do.

All this has been adding endless pressure on me. I don’t feel it’s gonna end anytime soon. Plus, my dad wanted me to apply to university. This month and a half have been hectic so I guess I should be thankful it’s all over but the treatment I’m getting from my parents isn’t really helping either. I’ve been running around trying to get university paper and material done on time with all the curfew happening here in Egypt right now.

I have been having mixed feelings for a while now: from sad to lonely to sleepy to wishing I was in his arms. All that has been happening is making me feel worse.

Aren’t my parents supposed to be treating me better? I’m starting to feel I’m the mistake of their lives. They once told me that they’ve literally known each other for just 1 year then got married right away. Isn’t this naive and rushed? What else could it be, I guess? Since I was little, all I heard around the house was shouting and swearing and bullshit and crap. Then my parents got divorced but all this still happens. The divorce did not help at all.

My dad and mom have been fighting a lot recently about university and all that and I feel I’m stuck between them. I feel pressured doing what they both want but they both have contrasting opinions and orders I should do. I wish they would just stop for a moment and try to think of it form my perspective… but they don’t.

I feel like I want to run away. I’m really sick of everything. I want to run away and never come back to this place. I don’t even feel comfortable in this house. I guess the only things keeping me here is my dogs. I feel my boyfriend and them are the only living beings keeping me here and keeping me from doing anything insane. I don’t know if I could keep it for that much longer anymore.

I don’t know.

Summer is finally here

Finally, I feel free. After all this time, studying and working, I AM FREE. I feel like I have all the time in the world. I finally have the time to read the Bible, get closer to the Lord, learn Portuguese and do all sorts of other stuff. I finally feel satisfied. I even get to hang out with my boyfriend a little more. Gosh, I am so happy. I can sleep again. For the while before school was over, I couldn’t sleep well because I was studying for my exams. I can finally get the rest I need. I just think there’s something with my best friend. I think she is hiding something. She posted a picture of one of my dogs and said it was hers. I don’t understand. I just found out about the picture today and it was posted almost a year ago. We still have the dog. I sent her a message on facebook and asked her about it. She has not replied yet. I wonder what’s happening. I hope it’s all cleared out in the end. For now, I guess I gotta try to be happy I am in summer vacation.

Whirlpool of Emotions

I lost a girl whom I thought was my best friend. I really thought she was. That was before I found out she’s a liar and doesn’t do as she says she will. I’ve lost all my trust and respect for her. It still hurts to know that she’s not my best friend anymore but I know I’m better without. I guess I now have to depend on time to do all the¬†healing. My boyfriend told me I’m better off without her as well. I guess we’re both right. Damn, I can’t imagine why she would even lie to me. I have talked to 2 of her friends from school as well and both have said that the girl made them feel the same way. We all decided we all won’t talk to her anymore. I miss her sometimes but as I said, I know I’m better off without her.

This was a couple of weeks ago.

A Rough Couple of Days and More to Come

How will I be able to stand another week? I’ve already had a rough couple of days and it has been really difficult, from not seeing my boyfriend for a week to problems with my bestfriend to too much school work. I miss my boyfriend a lot, his voice, his smile, his shining eyes, his hugs, everything. He’s in Sinai with a few friends. They got to go with the NGO they work at. I wish I was with him right now. Being so far away from him is killing me but knowing that we’ll be in each other’s arms later on is what keeps me alive. I love him very much. On the other hand, I feel my best friend has been rejecting me lately. A few of her friends and I have been trying to contact her and help her but only today was I able to talk to her. I asked her about her BFs. She said that she’s still with both. I told her she HAS to break up with one of them. It’s just not right what’s going on with her. I’ll call her later on to update myself and help her. I’m really worried. School has been too much. We have a lot of work to do for school and I’m still not halfway done. I have my SAT’s next week and I’m still not halfway through studying.

I want to get this week over with. Oh, I need a hug. It hasn’t been easy but I know that the Lord will help me and carry a little of my burden ūüôā

Can I still call her my best friend?

I thought we were best friends. I thought we have been for a while. Now, I’m not so sure anymore. I tried contacting her for over 2 weeks and every time I get the chance, she’s says we’ll talk later. I don’t understand why she says that. I have tried countless times to contact her to understand what has been going on and what I got did not do any good. I tried talking to her BF’s to try to understand and both gave me a totally different story about her and the other BF. I’m confused. My role as her supposed-to-be best friend is to help her. I heard she has been going through some issues with her parents. I tried calling several times to check if she was fine and to talk about it. Her phone was closed EVERY FUCKING TIME. I don’t even know what I could do anymore. I even tried contacting her through Facebook, as well. Attempt failed. Today, I finally had a mini chat with her on Facebook. I asked her to explain what has been going on with her, her family and her BF’s. She told me to fucking stay out of it and that it’s none of my business. I can’t just stay out of it and it is my business because we’re supposed to be best friends, aren’t we? I’m almost giving up on our friendship because of how she’s treating me lately. I don’t know what I should do anymore. Should I even be saying this here? Ughh I don’t think so but I guess I’m just desperate for someone to listen to my moans and groans about almost losing a close friend.

Faith – can it ever be found again?

November/December 2011 – Is there God? Is He good? Why is there bad, suffering, pain, hurt? This was halfway through my 6th year feeling pain and hurt. I don’t know what to do. I think I may be done. I lost my faith and turned Agnostic. If God is really there anymore. I have already tried to pray and communicate with God for 5.5 years already but it all failed. I was Muslim; now I’m Agnostic. Until today do I not know for sure of God’s¬†existence. I need help. I heed someone in my life. I need Him, but for a while I wasn’t able to communicate with God; is He really there anymore?

Today – I am trying to¬†re-communicate¬†with Him. I am reading the Bible and I found some Bible Study sites online that I thought could help. I’m still in Genesis as I have just started a short while ago. Once I’m done with Christianity, I plan on reading the Kor’an and Torah and look for religion study sites for them. I hope one of these 3 is able to help and convince me. Whichever is able to do that, I will follow it and live by it. The only person I have to about this is my boyfriend who keeps trying to convince me that it’s alright and that I’m still Muslim. ¬†We haven’t finished our conversation on this topic yet. I just hope that I eventually end up believing in Him again. I need Him badly.